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Ways
to Annoy Osama Bin Laden |
Point out the
lice in his beard to make him feel self-conscious.
Pause for a
moment, listen carefully, and say, "Doesn't that sound a lot like a
B-52?"
Ask him if he's
looking forward to replacing Hitler as Satan's favorite chew toy in the
lowest inferno of Hell.
Use his
satellite phone to call the time and weather line in Buenos Aires and
leave it off the hook.
Tell him how
much less you paid for your Kalashnikov rifle.
Ask whether the
Taliban gets cable, because you haven't seen "Sex and the
City" for weeks.
Mine his
bathroom.
Leave business
cards for the Israeli Mossad in his Rolodex.
Give him a Hot
Chicks of Palestine calendar.
Ask him if
Paradise is different for each person, and whether in your own paradise
you'll get to "kick his ass every day for eternity".
Refer to him as
"Osama-osama-fee-fi-fo-fama bin Laden".
Tell him it's
lovely what he's done with his cave, but that it'd look much nicer
covered with huge, smoking craters.
At dinner, imply
that the Northern Alliance has much prettier place settings.
Claim you once
saw him at a Hooter's in Muncie wearing a yarmulke.
Complement him
on all his poppies outside, but mention that a few day lilies would be a
nice accent.
Ask whether the
Taliban is hoping to be bombed ahead into the Stone Age, or perhaps the
Iron Age if enough shell casings survive.
Explain that
America is a land of freedom and opportunity, filled with people of
every race, religion, and background, including millions of women strong
enough to knock the crap out of him.
Ask him if he's
pursuing the Lesser Jihad, the Greater Jihad, or the "Completely
Whacked Out of his Freaking Gourd" Jihad.
Swirl your drink
thoughtfully and mention, "Just think, in a few weeks you might fit
in this glass!"
Check to see if
Saddam is on his speed-dial list.
Warn him that
you're "in a New York state of mind."
Mention that his
wives look quite fetching in their burkas, and ask whether they've ever
thought of modeling.
Ask him,
"say, where do you keep all those Stinger missiles?" just in
case he'll be caught off guard and answer correctly.
Give him a
"noogie" or a "wedgie". If there's actually still a
flush toilet left in Afghanistan, give him a "swirlie".*
Play a game of
Monopoly with him. Make him play the thimble. See if he charges
interest. Claim that his properties are your "holy lands" and
blow up his hotels.
When you leave,
wave and say, "Shalom!"
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